Sunday, January 17, 2010

Twitarded's First Anniversary: Late To Our Own Party

It's about freaking time! I've been hiding in this cake since Friday!
[thanks to Stoney G. Pumpkin at TwiSoup for the Robalicious cake!]

You know how we're always saying we're stupidly late for shit? Like, important stuff that we probably should have talked about a million years ago but just never get around to it because we're either ridiculously lazy or real life is being a douche-donkey or maybe we just got abducted by aliens and were... unavailable.

This is one of those times.

One year and two days ago... Twitarded was born. See? We even showed up late to our own fucking anniversary party.

I can't help but sit down and look back at this past year - all of it - and holy shit, what a crazy, hysterical and fuckery-fun-filled trip its been.

I think it's safe to say 2009 has been a good year. Oh sure, in almost every other way you stack it up, 2009 blew chunks, but here in the fandom and for me and Snarkier Than You, it was a great year. No, a fantastic year. Amazing. And SO much has happened. You have to remember -- when STY and I stumbled into Twiland, we were like innocent little virgins. We had no fucking idea what we were getting ourselves into. Our cherries were immediately, and thoroughly, popped. Both front and back.

While I'm getting all nostalgic and shit, I just wanted to reflect back on some of our more... interesting Twitarded moments.

For nearly 12 months we've all been enamored with RPattz hawtness [which may or may not be lethal] and discussed him to the point where perhaps a mental health professional might need to be called in. I was also lucky to have my own close encounter with the precious, which technically wasn't that close but whatever - don't piss on my parade. It made STY green with envy and made for an interesting day at "work."

We participated in some extreme whiskey-induced fuckery one disgustingly humid, rainy day in August to see Twilight in Central Park that resulted in one of us 'misplacing' her glasses somewhere outside the apartment and calling the other one in a total hungover panic.

Mini-E: the only one here without a bad case of humid-hair

On top of that, STY and I attended the New Moon Premiere with TwiCrack and Lorabell, from Confessions of a TwiCrack Addict and got to see Peter Facinelli and Kellan Lutz. And Kellan Lutz even spoke to me (nay, proclaimed his undying LOVE to me), to which I responded by acting like a total fucktard, natch.

STY and I also got a crash course lesson in fanfiction and lemons, lemons, lemons galore. The sexual exploits of FanFic Edward and Bella have left all of us panting and squirming in our seats and most definitely brought out the... er, best, in us (and made for many a happy if-not-slightly-befuddled s/o). There was even that 'incident' involving a double dog dare, a wall of dildos and Mini-Edward but thankfully no one was banned or arrested. Yet. There's always 2010 for that...

Our searches of all things Twilight and smexy has been a very strange [and sometimes disturbing] little trip through the interwebs, including one very awkward email trail with Mommy (not a)Jerkface regarding dishwasher-safe sex toys.

The saga has been discussed, critiqued, judged harshly and pretty much abused in every which way possible, from our issues with Breaking Dawn to the lame-ass-what-the-fuck wardrobe in New Moon. Oh, and I have two words for you: Love. Custard.
...and thanks to TwiCrack for her timely assist in ruining pudding for all of us, indefinitely.

We've lured family members into our fold, some against their will, which has resulted in some rather disgruntled but hilarious emails.

There were some growing pains at Twitarded and I can assure you that STY has most definitely lived up to her Jersey Shore nickname (thanks to the lovelies at Twigasm): Tan-trum [note from STY: fuck you, whore flap]. These moments generally produced some of our most holy-fuck-I-can't-believe-you-posted-that, including the NSFW Dildo post [which STY wrote and posted entirely from her office] as well as the infamous poopy post.

It's no secret that Twitarded has been all-consuming for STY and I. "Real life" is...different. And a relative term at this point. Our houses are in shambles and I'm honestly trying to remember the last time I made the bed but it's really truly been worth it. Of course, ML and Mr. Snarky deserve their own little shout out for not divorcing us, smothering us in our sleep, or putting the Full Size Edwards through the shredder. So, thank you guys for your patience.

But most of all. Thank YOU. We are all giddy and girly over this fuckawesome community we've discovered (and the tawdry corner of it that we've managed to carve for all of us to hang out in) and we love all you donkey-twats more than you can possibly realize.

Now that we have one year under our belt, this second one doesn't seem so daunting. The wheels of our little dirty minds have been spinning like coked-out hamsters on a wheel lately and let's just say that we have some fun shit in mind for the upcoming year. Starting...TOMORROW! We'll be celebrating this anniversary thing - albeit belatedly - all week so stay tuned for more celebrating, give-aways, misty-eyed reminiscing, and general Twidarded mayhem.


  1. Congrats! What a crazy year it has been! You guys are effing funny as hell and always give me a great laugh. It is I who should be thanking you for all the fun times! BTW...I'm still totally jealous of the whole Kellan talked to me at the premeire thing. That is so hot!

  2. Thank YOU for giving me an 'X' rated place to rant, rage and laugh!

    Keep on cussing ladies.

  3. Thank you both for the daily laughs I get coming here - not to mention the additions to my vocabulary! It's been a wonderful year, and I can't wait to see what's in store for #2! FOOOORRRRRKKKSSSS!!!!!!

  4. CONGRATULATIONS you saucy twatwaffles!!! I guess this means that my one year anniv of finding you guys is coming up in about a month. I lurked for so long! So glad I came out of hiding....

    I'm so happy for you guys! Look at how big your readership is... how much the fandom has taken notice of you whoreflaps, how many copies of Creative Cursing you can be responsible for selling! I don't know how you guys keep cranking out the lulz, but you do. And I am SO glad.

    Tipping my hat, raising my glass, and lowering my pants... all in your honor!



    PS - seriously. I kid you NOT. My veriword is GROPOWE (like grope-owie)

  5. PS - I'm pretty stoked that my Bi-Partisan Edward made it into your 1 year post!!!

  6. You've ruined me. Happy fucking birthday!

  7. I'm new to this site, but it has become a must in my life. I laugh my ass off.
    JJ & STY, you two take my Twi-lust to a whole new, lower level. And for that I thank you!


  8. Happy Anniversary!

    If I make it to NY this spring the champers is on me! If not, then in FOOORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSS!!!!!!!!

  9. Congrats!

    I found you guys about a month after falling into the rabbit hole of Twi-land. You've made the past year filled with more swearing, smut, and laughs than I ever could have hoped for. Hell you've even made me misty eyed (damn you JJ Mr CC thought I'd lost it that night). Anywho - thanks, I'm glad I found you guys.

    I can't wait to see what 2010 brings. I suspect it'll be chaos, mayhem and more swearing (also guessing that there won't be any rusty trombones).



  10. Happy Anniversary ladies!

    here's to a 2010 that shall be more Twitarded than last year!


  11. Congratufuckinlations!!! I love you two Twatwaffles and thank you for all the laughs and insight. It's been such a fun ride and I can't wait to see what's in store for 2010.


  12. Wow. I can't believe how much you two have -matured- grown in the past year. I still remember the very first blog I ever read -- "Close encounter with The Precious." JJ, you sucked me in that day with your completely obscure, blurry-ass pics of RPattz. Just days later, we had trailer poopage and I knew I had found my peeps.
    Had I known then what I know now... I would have leapt in front of that drunken taxi driver, saving RPattz from imminent danger. And he would have been so taken with my thoughtfulness that he would've immediately swept me into his trailer to profess his undying love for me and me alone (fuck KStew).... *sigh*
    Congratulations. See yah in Twitardia! XO

  13. If you had posted this on time, we definitely would have thought aliens had taken you both! Congratulations on your Twianniversary! I am forever grateful that you created this blog... that you are both so hilarious... that you accepted me into your Twiworld... and that I have met so many amazing people through Twitarded. I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for us.

  14. Happy Birthday Twitarded! When I found you earlier on in the year, I was lost and needed an outlet, a twifriend, and place to laugh and comment. Both you and STY have been that place. You guys are the absolute reason, I blog and/or follow other blogs.

    It always was you guys, it always will be you guys. So suck it Jacob! Err.. Who was I talking to? Wait...

    Anyhow. You guys have been such a big part of my twirdedness this year and you've even posted some of my videos. I humbly adore you both!


  15. Thank you for sharing your brilliantly sick sparkly minds with the rest of us!

  16. Woot!!!! Happy Birthday Twitarded!!!!!
    BTW---I survived the surprise party you gals threw for TiBite yesterday...still cleaning up. Thank you so much, for being fuckawesome and for transforming this pevious lurker into a full blown perved out Twitard who apparently has some things to say that people actually want to read. Not only are you my best form of are an inspiration.
    I love you.
    I must go now and tend to the takes a village to run a a blog you know, and I'm glad to be a neighbor.

    Mrs. P

  17. You guys were my lifesaver this spring and summer. That's all I can say. I was unemployed, depressed and scared. Then, I discovered Twilight and shortly thereafter, you guys. After days filled with rejections and resumes, you gave me something to laugh about.

    Then, when I got a job and was put on strike 2 days later, you came to my rescue again!

    I really do "big puffy heart" you!

    Thanks for the laughs, the tears and the lurve!!!

  18. Congrats ladies! Happy one year anniversary! I am so happy I stumbled to this blog months ago! You have helped make this last year hilarious! Keep on going ladies, you make many work nights a lot less boring :) Hope you get to see you in Forks! I live too close not to make the trek down again!

  19. Happy anniversary, whores! If anyone mailed you an anniversary present, it was from me too. Hope you liked whatever it was that I may or may not have given you. I don't think I found you until the beginning of March, but I did sense an evil disturbance in the force starting in January. Thanks for giving all of us disaffected Twitards a home.

  20. Lots of Twiversary love! I used to be semi-sane before you two intruded on my life...

  21. Happy One Year! You ladies make me laugh like no other. And to think there are still at least 2 more movies to come. Think of all the posts...

  22. Happy Twiversary and thank you for all of the hours of entertainment (we won't say how many!) and also for introducing me to the awesome citizens of Twitardia. Not only did you reassure me that I wasn't alone in my inappropriate obsession of the adorkabale scruffy man-child half my age, but you encouraged it. XOXO

  23. wow this is so awesome!!! One freaking year!
    I can't even tell anymore when and how I found you, but you had around 100 Follower back then ..

    And look at you know? *sniffles* You are not a simple blog anymore you are : " a freaking blog who has more then 1000 Follower and who is celebrating his 1st Birthday"

    I remember your last giveaway where you kicked out *cough* all the non US girls I made an offer back then - Remember STY( uhm probably not..) ??
    Tell me if you need me :)

    Love you girls you are awesome!

  24. You bitches had me at whore flap. Congratulations!

  25. I didn't even know how to define myself until I found Twitarded. Before Twitarded, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason....And then Twitarded shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything made me horny, there was hilarity, there was profanity. You are my life now.

    Happy Freaking Anniversary!!! Thanks for letting me come along for the ride...I can't wait to see what 2010 will bring. Mwah!

  26. Really it's been a year already! Times flies when you're having dirty/inappropriate/tawt waffle fun!
    You had me at "Love Custard" but "Poopy Post" had me confessing my undying love to Twitardia.
    Here's to another year full of scruffy Pattz, lemons, hoor flaps, and all things Twitarded! Oooh and cupcakes! ;)
    hearts Track 10

  27. I think my favourite post was why JJ would not be stalking Rob in NYC. I remember laughing until tears were pouring down my face and my sides ached!

    You girls have really made a difference in so many peoples' lives and I don't think you really get it but don't be overwhelmed by it.

    It's a good thing!

  28. Whoohoo! I so thank you for the fact that you decided to start this blog. I don't know where I'd be had I not found the wonderful world of fandom and became a Twitard. I owe it all to you! ;D

    Happy bday!

  29. yayeeee! i'm so happy for you girlies! i'm so happy to call twitarded home.... i look forward to the future!

    ...whore bags. ;)

  30. Congratulations and thanks for all the laughs, smut and're's to you guys!

  31. OMFG, has it already been a year?! I don't even remember how I'd found you guys, but my Twilight obsession would be seriously lacking in depth if I hadn't. In Twitarded, I've found an accepting community where being a thirty something fangirl swooning over an imaginary seventeen year old blood drinking Adonis is totally okay, and wearing his face on our twats is even better; I've discovered the fawkawesome world of Twilight fanfic (15 Step was the very first story to break my fanfic cherry, and the smut links led me to the doors that opened to FFn); and I've found company in other "responsible, mature, level headed women" who no longer clean their houses nor pay bills on time because there's so much Twilight to discover and so little time to do much else... when it comes to creating a fantasy world filled with all things Twilight and Edward and debauchery and indulgence, SM aint got shit on you two (not trying to hate, mind you, I'm just sayin...). I will love you guys for the rest of my existence, and thank you for the utterly sweet madness that is Twitardia.

  32. Congratulations Ladies - Happy One year!! Thank you for all the fun and madness of Twitarded , it has been greatly appreciated!

    Bring on 2010, and all the new adventures and madness that surely be, including Twitarded's invasion of FFFFFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSSSSSSS!!

    Wooo hooo hoooo!

  33. Happy Anniversary!!!! You two are the most amazing chicks in all of Twidom! Thank you for the hilarious posts each day, the fan fic, all the laughs! Each and every day I look forward to checking in with you because I know it will make my day. I can't wait to see what 2010 brings!!!!!

    Wish I could be there1 :(

  34. Happy birthday/anniversary TWITARDED!!!!!!!! Glad u dug my cake (although I am still partial to "who put me in this vest"). What a year....seriously! You are both an inspiration and HELLA funny. My work is still thanking you all for the creative cursing book. Here's to a great year and many more!

  35. Happy Anniversary whores! Thanks for the many laughs (and snorts)... it's been a great year for us Twitards and we have you guys to thank for it.

  36. Happy Anniversary!
    I can honestly say, I would have nothing if I didn't have you.
    *wiping tear*
    See you in Forks ladies!!!!

  37. Congrats Ladies! what a fun year and i'm so glad i found your blog.. without it my work day wouldn't be nearly as fun!

  38. Happy anniversary to your fuckingawesomeness! Thanks for giving me a place that allows me to fly my Twilight freak flag. I know that I am not alone. Looking forward to this year

  39. Happy Twianniversary! During a year with a crappy economy, rising prices/taxes/crime, shrinking jobs/businesses/income, and the personal problems that arise from all of the above, you have provided a laugh every single day (and, on occasion, a little pee). I can't tell you how much that means, truly.

    Wow, that was heavy. Twatwaffles. Donkey balls. There, I feel better.

  40. Thank you for teaching me the ways of Twitardia and for all the laughs!

    I know it takes A LOT of hard work to keep a blog going, day after day, keeping readers interested. I've tried and failed before. So kudos and congrats!

    Now how do I order one of those cakes?

  41. The Love Custard pic truly warmed my heart, because that is the first post of yours that I read, thanks to TwiCrack Addict. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my older-than-dirt cheeks, and haven't looked back since. Congrats on making it a year, and thanks for making my day-to-day so much better. ((HUGS))

  42. Happy 1st Anniversary Twitarded! That cake certainly is fuckalicous! I remember when my own Twiconfusion about the obsession took hold...I spent hours looking at info on the internet and bookmarked everything. Slowly but surely I narrowed it down to the sites I like best and Twitarded continues to be one of the very few sites I ready daily (or multiple times daily). Twitards are so good, I read all the comments to each post - something I rarely do on other blogs. Twitarded chicks (and dudes) rule! One year - who would have fucking believed it could last this long?! My crush on Shaun Cassidy lasted one summer!

  43. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceJanuary 18, 2010 at 11:46 AM

    Happy Anniversary Twitarted! I haven't been following you guys that long and I've been trying to catch up on your old posts. I'm so sad I missed all the fun. Still trying to figure out what the inside joke is with the 'skittles' anyone care to enlighten me?

  44. happy anniversary twatwaffles! (btw, i love that when i read donkey twats i was like "awww so sweet! - fucked up, but anyways...)

    i've only been lurking around here and occasionally joining in on the fun since May but you totally made 2009 a good year for me. seriously. i found twitarded after reading the books and haven't looked back since. it helped me work my way thru a very rough few months of my life, so thank you! thankyouthankyouthankyou! <3

    i can't wait to see what you hoes do in twentyten!

  45. Happy anniversary! I love all of you donkey-twats too. You can't beat a place where insults are thrown around as terms of endearment *happy sigh*.

    Thanks for many happy months and belly laughs, here's to the next 12mths *raises glass*

    V/W - acquit! Think you're off the hook ladies ;o)

  46. Happy anniversary, I love your blog so much, I can only regret I discovered it only by mid-2009!

  47. Happy Anniversary! Let's hear it for anouther year of fun and fuck awsome times!


  48. Happy fucking Birthday!

    It's been a year since I discovered Twilight! But it's only been a few months since I discovered Twitarded. Someone told me to google the vampsicle, and I ended up here, laughing my ass off, and have been nearly every day since. It's great to have a place where I can talk about Twilight (and bitch about it) and swear a whole fucking lot and people don't think I'm nuts. Or at least are as nuts as I am so they don't care. Thanks for that. Love you, um, pecker junkies! Mwah!

    Oh and whoever recced 'The List': uhhhhnnnnnnnnnghhhhhhhhhh.....I've hardly gotten any sleep over the last couple of days, fuck you very much.

  49. What would I do without you 2, I laugh so hard my stomach hurts. OH, the "Twilight farts", what perfection! Poopy jokes and all it's the best, keep up the dirty work.
    Love you!

  50. Happy Anniversary/Birthday!!!
    Got my party hat on and one of the blowy noise makers!

  51. Happy bday/anniversary!!!

    I appreciate you being the enabler f my porn addiction. (Enabler sounds so much better than pimp, huh?)

    I am also thrilled at the sense of humor within this group and how we manage to have such a great time laughing at ourselves (seeing as everyone else is probably doing that anyway).

    Here is to the next year...

    wv.apersin?? sounds like a dirty deed done by a primate.

  52. Happy anniversary!! Thank you guys sooo much for providing a place where my friends and I feel "normal." And, speaking of normal, have you seen this definition of lemons??

    Check out the second meaning. I used this link for my blog because it cracked me up. Yay for being a perverted fangirl!!!

    ~Annie (



  54. You missed your bloggy-versary by two days? Dang, I forgot TCAs until just now, lol - a whole month late - ta da!
    Oh what a year is has been indeed *tear* I'm glad I know you awesomely lemony ladies *smooch*
    - Lorabell :)

  55. Happy Anniversary, Twitarded! More success!

  56. Happy Happy Anniversary/Birthday, whatever the hell it is! I'm so happy I found you guys a few months ago and look forward to all your 2010 shannigans LMAO! It's nice to find a place that reminds me that I'm not alone in my illness.. =)

  57. Happy Blog-aversary! I too am so grateful that I found this blog, love your sick sense of humor and wanton, unapologetic flaunting of all things Rob-O-Licious and lemony! ;) You always make me laugh, and yes, occasionally pee, but in a good way! Love you guys, for real!

    I'm re-thinking the Forks trip -- I have a girlfriend in Seattle and might be getting a tax refund....what better way to blow some cash?? ;) FOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKSSSSSSSS!

  58. @vermonstermom4edward - there is no "re-thinking", if I am going, YOU are going!!! I need at least one other non-drinker to help me contain all the others ;) Please don't leave me all on my own, please!

  59. @Dangrdafne -- ok girlfriend, I will find a way to make this happen, although I might have permanent TMJ from all the manipulative BJ's I'm going to have to bestow on Mr. Monster. I guess I can bring a pad and a pen to communicate..... ;)

  60. @vermonstermom4edward - oh that will never do.

    Come on Twitards we have to come up with SOMETHING others can use instead of BJs to get their S/Os to be ok with this Forks trip. We are creative folks. Maybe we can each pair up and write a letter to a fellow Twitard that is having trouble convincing their S/O of the trip and tell a story of how we are a long lost relative dying in Washington State and if they visit us then we will leave them something in our will!!

    Or like I posted somewhere else in our Twilight bloggy world... let's create a second conference, for all the S/Os that don't want their Twitard travelling without them, for them to attend whilst we all get together.

    wv: ho guang - I have no comment here

  61. I dunno, letters, pleas, sick relatives, simultaneous conventions? All good suggestions......still think nothing's more persuasive than a good blow job. :D


  62. HAPPYFUCKINGBIRTHDAY!!!!!!! i am soooooooo glad that i found u guys, now at least i know im not the only crazy twilight robwhore around, my fam and friends think i need help, but i knew i just needed to find more of my kind, and now that i have ,your stuck with my twatwaffle self, love u guys and cant wait to see what the new year brings!!!!!!!


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